20-year-old refuses to let her childhood crush court her because of the cruel things his mother has said about her, mother harasses her for rejecting him: 'I woke up to a bunch of mean voicemails and texts from her'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Feb 20, 2025 8:00 PM EST

When you marry someone, you're also marrying their crazy family. It's sometimes difficult to parse whether someone has a crazy family when you're first dating them. If you're living in a city away from both of your families, it might take a year or more to even meet your partners mom and dad. In early stages of a relationship, having a close relationship with your partner's parents is not a huge priority, focusing more on whether you're compatible with each other. It's difficult enough to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with that for many people, having a messed up family is not a dealbreaker. Doesn't everyone have a messed up family? It's considered uncouth to judge someone or not want them in your life simply because their mom has a personality disorder, their dad doesn't know how to have a conversation, and their brother is in jail. 

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  • That's all well and good if you're dating casually, but if someone asks if they can court you seriously, it might be beneficial to consider their family. The young lady in this story was approached by her good friend if he could court her, and she declined because of how his mother has treated her.

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    Cheezburger Image 10470553088
    via Laura Chouette

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    AITAH for telling my childhood friend I wouldn’t court him because I didn’t want to have his mother as my MIL?

    I (20F) have grown up with my childhood friend (22M) who we'll call John. John left for the Army when he was 18 but despite that we stayed in touch and I even visited him once or twice where he was posted. I use to love John's Mother who we'll call Amy when I was younger but when I was 15 | over heard her saying
    via u/Lazy_Present_2382
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    some mean things about me and my siblings behind our backs to John who she knew I liked at the time. She said some nasty things like I might become a because my birth mother was one (For context me and my siblings are all adopted as well as all of Amy's kids) or my father told her I don't clean myself (which I know
    via u/Lazy_Present_2382
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    isn't true because my father often complained to her that I showered to often. I like feeling clean and always have) so I might have stds. Since over hearing these things I couldn't really bring myself to remain as close to her as I was.
    via u/Lazy_Present_2382
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    Cheezburger Image 10470560512
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    A few weeks ago John came for a visit and his mother Amy invited my family as well as a few other friends over for dinner. I was pretty excited to see him since | hadn't seen him in over a year. During the visit I needed to take a breather so I stepped outside to get some fresh air and calm my nerves. John joined me after a while which was perfectly fine since it allowed me to be able to
    via u/Lazy_Present_2382
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    finally talk to him one on one. We mainly just caught up with each other and talking about random things until he asked if he could court me. It took me quite some time to reply but I did eventually told him that I didn't want to have his mother as my MIL and I didn't want to ruin his relationship with his mother. especially since they're so close.
    via u/Lazy_Present_2382
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    John seemed very disappointed but he just said okay and changed the subject. I thought that was the end of that but apparently he told Amy that he was going to ask me out before hand and after my family left she had asked how it had gone. John of course answered truthfully and told her I said no but had also told her what I had said as to why I wouldn't let him court me and
    via u/Lazy_Present_2382
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    the next morning I woke up to a bunch of mean voice mails and texts from her and a few mutual friends calling me a Ahole for refusing to court John because | didn't want Amy as my MIL and that I was b for not liking Amy even though she's been nothing but kind to me and so on and so forth.
    via u/Lazy_Present_2382
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    Cheezburger Image 10470559488
    via Keith Tanner

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    I haven't responded to any of the calls and messages and frankly I don't know how. I didn't wish to upset anyone but I do feel my reasons as valid. So AITAH for telling my Childhood friend I wouldn't court him because I didn't want his Mother as my MIL?
    via u/Lazy_Present_2382
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    Flowerofiron NTA and she really just proved your point.
    via u/Flowerofiron
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    Iforgotmypassword126 So did he! Haha
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    Immediate_Sense9627 They kind of just proved your point on why you wouldn't want to date him or have him court you. NTA the slew of texts berating you is proof enough you're dodging a bullet with this Amy woman as a MIL
    via u/Immediate_Sense9627
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    Restructuregirl Plus he didn't need to tell his mother those details. Sounds like he would always have backed his mother over you.
    via u/Restructuregirl
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    Successful_Voice8542 I love both his and OP's honesty - not enough of that in relationships. He gave her a gift by reinforcing what she anticipated the future with Amy would be. If OP is willing to be honest, send Amy a text saying "I overheard you saying that I (and lay it all out). And please don't attempt to gaslight me and tell me I didn't hear what I heard." Because you know that's exactly what she
    via u/Successful_Voice8542
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    will do: Clutch pearls and say "I never." When you marry someone you marry the entire family. Who would want a MIL who is cruel behind peoples' backs? And someone who doesn't like her to start with? Life with him and any future children would be tough.
    via u/Successful_Voice8542
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    dannybravo 14 You dodged a bullet. If the message the next morning had been "John let me know what you said and I feel just terrible over something I said in the past. Can we have coffee and talk?" it would be a totally different story. Imagine being so obsessed with yourself you would get in the way of your son pursuing a girl he is attracted to. What a horrible woman.
    via u/dannybravo
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    ExtremeJujoo Forward every single message to John and simply say "see?! This is exactly why I didn't want any sort of relationship with you beyond friendship. And now even that is impossible. Take care!" And then block.
    via u/ExtremeJujoo
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    (Update) AITAH for telling my childhood friend I wouldn’t court him because I didn’t want to have his mother as my MIL?

    Thank you all so much for all the advice! It really helped with making my decision on how to handle the situation. Before I explain what my decision was I'm going to answer some of the questions I was asked.
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    1. My family is Religious and a bit old fashioned I suppose. My parents always told me growing up that dating was more casual and isn't always done with the intention of marriage, while courting was more formal and with the intention of marriage in the long run. John grew up the same way so to us he was
    via u/Lazy_Present_2382
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    asking if he could get to know me as a potential spouse. 2. I didn't tell anyone but my father what I over heard Amy saying about me as at the time I didn't want to start problems and ruin relationships. My father did understand why I didn't want to be as close to Amy anymore and never forced the relationship.
    via u/Lazy_Present_2382
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    3. I might consider changing my mind if I wasn't expected to have a relationship with Amy in more than seeing her every once in awhile at family gatherings as long as I wasn't expected to speak with her.
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    Okay so I did send the screenshots of the messages | was getting to John. He called me and apologized saying that he never intended for his mother to react that way and that he only told what I had said because he was angry and upset. He did say he wasn't angry at me as he understood my point of view. I did also tell him what I over heard and he didn't deny it and also told me she often said mean
    via u/Lazy_Present_2382
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    things about others as well and that apparently she would say nasty things about him and his siblings to others also. Which I figured she said nasty things about others too but not her own kids! John told me he'd speak with his mother and would also like if we can all sit down and have a talk. I told him I'd think about it.
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    I also sent the screenshots to the other "friends" that were sending me nasty messages and most of them have been very quiet since then. My dad is appalled by their behavior as well and hasn't spoken much to any of them. Same goes for my siblings and the friends that are on my side.
    via u/Lazy_Present_2382
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    ElehcarTheFirst That's awesome that you were honest and up front and forthright about how you're feeling and what you overheard and what that means to you. That's really important
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    Mindtaker This is a lady who is going to have a rad spouse one day. She doesn't take sh, she sticks to her guns, she has character. Shes going to be just fine in life.
    via u/Mindtaker
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    youmustb3jokn Great job. I think poor John had it hard with Amy too. Hope your friendship isn't too impacted and maybe he can get beyond the mom don't could be more. Hope talk goes well.
    via u/youmustb3jokn
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    (Update 2) AITAH for telling my childhood friend I wouldn’t court him because I didn’t want to have his mother as my MIL?

    So I have a short update. John called me about an hour ago to tell me he talked with his mother and wanted to know if I would be willing to come over this Wednesday to talk have a talk with her and him. I asked if I could bring my father and older brother and he agreed. He also asked if it was okay to bring his Grandmother who we'll call Ms. Mary who's Amy's mother.
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    I actually love Ms. Mary! She's a wonderful person who doesn't take crop from anyone and isn't afraid to put people in their place, even her own daughter. Great Christian woman that I haven't since my high school graduation but I do still call often. Me And John use to spend half our summer break at her house every year. She lives on a lake
    via u/Lazy_Present_2382
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    and we use to love going kayaking and fishing with her husband. She's the person who taught me how to sew, cook and clean, as well as how to bake delicious treat. I love baking and often do it to relax. Her late husband was an amazing person as well and was the one that inspired John to go into the army.
    via u/Lazy_Present_2382
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    So yes I agreed to Ms. Mary to come as well. I'm actually excited to see her because it's been years! Edit: Amy has no clue her mother is coming! John asked me not to tell her either. He knows she would be on her best behavior in front of her mother otherwise.
    via u/Lazy_Present_2382
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    DazzleLove Do you actually want to court John? Else why would you put yourself through this? I know you are from a religious background but this all feels super pressurised and controlling.
    via u/DazzleLove
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    Lazy Present_2382 OP To be honest I do actually like John romantically but I'm not willing to put up with Amy as a MIL so that's what I'm hoping this talk will help me decide. Also I forgot to mention Amy doesn't know John asked Ms. Mary to come and John has asked me not to tell her.
    via u/Lazy_Present_2382
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    Patd386 You do know that John and his mom are a package deal right? Doing this will change nothing between them.
    via u/Patd386
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    Apart_Macaron_313 • 3d ago She won't change, she'll change tactics.
    via u/Apart_Macaron_313

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